It’s amazing how much can happen when you’re not keeping track. It’s also amazing how much can NOT happen.
Last year most of my time was consumed ravenously by acquainting myself with and appeasing a tiny nonverbal dictator. I mean, she’s 100% adorable, but that doesn’t make her less dictatorial, let’s face it. I also managed to complete a graduate certificate, though I admit that around about September I was seriously considering throwing in the towel.
In the last month, we’ve had a lot of guests in town for the holidays and the child’s first birthday. It’s been alternately chaotic and quieter–not precisely just quiet, what with the usual post-visitor scramble to catch up on the things we neglected while people were in from out of town, resetting the guest room for whatever guests show up next, dog-sitting for our friends, and all the other things that normal life requires, not to mention the energy drained by almost catching the death plague (aka a head cold) and by several sequential nights of the dictator sleeping exceedingly badly. On one hand, much has been accomplished. On the other, it’s easy to drift from one essential thing to the next, never identifying or pursuing those non-essentials that make life wonderful.
It doesn’t help that this time of year is notoriously, historically hard for me in terms of depression. It’s ever so easy to put the dictator in her playpen, interest her in some toy or another, and retreat to read until she indicates her displeasure with the situation. Playing my current video game is an easy way to pretend to be accomplishing something when, in fact, I am sitting listlessly in a darkened room staring at a television screen, playing for two hours to unlock a paltry 1% more of the world map. It’s not like that every day, but then… some days, it is.
It’s one thing to allow oneself to take each day and accomplishment as it comes, to refrain from stress and self-flagellation for not finishing the day’s to-do list. It’s another to float along aimlessly doing the bare minimum to keep things moving along.
So I need to figure out what this year is going to look like. I have some ideas, but it will take a bit of work, some cooperation, and a much clearer sense of direction.
We’ll see how it goes.